Childhood Trauma: What you Need to Know About Self-Blame

Are you somebody that struggles with self-blame? Do you often feel that a situation you found yourself in was partially or all your fault, or maybe you feel that there was something that you should have done differently?

Constantly attributing traumatic experiences or negative outcomes to personal character flaws or believing that you should have foreseen what was going to happen or done more to avoid it or stop it from happening can leave you feeling trapped in a painful spiral. The repeating pattern of self-blame can be extremely draining, leaving you exhausted and feeling defeated.

As a therapist I am always interested in the way my clients talk about themselves. Together, in sessions we often explore the impact of negative self-talk. Learning about the possible functions of self-blame can increase your self-awareness around the way you may have been using self-blame as a way to cope with a traumatic experience. Read on to learn about the role that self-blame can play in dealing with childhood trauma.

Self-blame provides the illusion of control. If you are a trauma survivor and you have been hurt by the actions or behaviour of another person it is not unusual for you to have thoughts that there could have been something that you could have or should have done to change the outcome.

Self-blame can serve as a powerful defence mechanism against the feeling of powerlessness experienced in trauma. Coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing that you could have done in a situation can be excruciating, additionally, seeing yourself as being a survivor or victim of abuse may have negative connotations in your mind. You may be using self-blame as a way to protect and prevent yourself from working to process the difficult feelings associated with a lack of control and power over the situation.

As well as functioning as self-protection, self-blame can also be an attempt to protect others by shouldering all of the responsibility. It can be hard when someone that we have put our trust in goes on to inflict so much pain and suffering. It is particularly distressing when that someone is a person that we have depended on, like a parent or care-giver.

You may feel the need to defend a relationship that you have once been dependent on, this is completely understandable as this relationship was key to your survival as a child. Due to this you may have not yet had the space to fully process the emotions you felt back then, it may not have been safe or wise to fully express how you felt in those past moments. Children will also often internalise an experience and due to their early developmental stage assume that if something goes wrong that it is directly related to them in some way or that they are completely to blame.

Learning to appropriately apportion the responsibility in this type of scenario can have a destabilising effect. It can be difficult to start to see someone you care about in a different light, to see what they did or didn't do and to start to recognise the devastating impact that this may have had on your life.

You may question whether you can still love them or continue on in the relationship once you start to come to terms with the responsibility they had to safeguard you or protect you. It may become harder to ground yourself in the knowledge that you were and still are worthy of protection and safety.

Being able to hold other perspectives in mind can be a part of the work of healing and working through the instinct to self-blame. Consider this potential reframe in the form of a question: is it possible that you did all that you could at the time in a situation in which you may have had very little control?

Working through self-blame can take time, it is so important to go at a pace that feels comfortable for you. Uncovering and confronting your perspectives on the trauma you faced may at times feel overwhelming, consider reaching out to an appropriately qualified mental health professional for the support that you deserve.

Crisis support: If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts that feel unmanageable, consider reaching out for support from the Shout text service or Samaritans helpline. These services are available to anyone in the UK, 24 hours a day, all year round. If you feel unable to keep yourself safe and your life is at immediate risk, this is an emergency. Contact emergency services by calling 999 or NHS 111 for urgent help and support.

Disclaimer: Information and opinions in this blog do not constitute as therapy or personalised professional advice. If you feel that you would like personalised support from a qualified Psychotherapist you are welcome to book a free introductory call with me or search for a therapist on online directories such as the Counselling Directory or Psychology Today .

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